Alternative Word Meanings

Abdicate To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach

Academy School for scoundrels

Acne A borough in North London

Adolescence A time when you think you'll never be as stupid as your parents

Adultery What happens after puberty

Agog A half finished Jewish place of worship

Alcohol A bitter liquid used to help white people dance

Anglophile One who loves fishing

Anticlimax A tool used when descending mountains

Antidote An amusing story that insects tell at social gatherings

Approximate An acquaintance, sort of a friend
Archaeologist Someone whose career lies in ruins

Artefact A pretentious statistic
Artery The study of paintings

Asterisk The possibility of being hit by an asteroid

Bachelor A man who doesn't know how many faults he has

Bacon The main reason you are not a vegetarian

Bacteria The rear entrance of a cafe

Bakewell Tart A northern lady of easy virtue

Balderdash A rapidly receding hairline

Ballbearing The side on which a gentleman dresses

Bargain Something you don't need at a price you can't resist

Barium What doctors recommend when their patients die
Bashful Very aggressive

Benign What you'll be after being eight

Bicycle A sexually confused mode of transport
Bigamist Italian fog
Biology Scientific study of the number two

Bore Someone who, when you ask how he is, tells you
Budget An orderly system of living beyond your means

Burglarize What a crook sees with

Candelabra Word uttered by wizards to magically turn on the lights

Cannibal Someone fed up with people

Cardiac A person with a fetish for knitwear

Carnation A country where everyone owns an automobile

Cashew The sound a nut makes when it sneezes

Cigarette A pinch of tobacco wrapped in paper with a fire at one end and a fool at the other
Circumvent An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men

Claustrophobia Fear of Father Christmas

Cock-a-leekie Prostate problem

Coconuts A clown's testicles
Collywobbles Overweight sheep dog

Colonoscopy The art of scrutinising punctuation

Compromise Dividing a cake in such a way that everyone thinks they have the biggest piece

Consciousness That annoying time between naps

Conservative Large greenhouse full of hot air

Courtesy The art of yawning with your mouth closed

Cursory Prone to swearing

Cystitis An allergy to one's sister

Definite Term used by chavs to describe the hard of hearing

Deleterious The feeling of panic after deleting something important

Delight To plunge into darkness

Denial A river in Egypt

Dermatological An Irish computer programmer
Diet A selection of food that makes other people lose weight
Dilate To live a long life

Diplomat A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip

Drunk Future tense of drink

Dumbwaiter One who asks if the kids would like to order dessert

Dyslexia Daily sex

Eerie A bit like an ear

Egotist Person more interested in himself than me

Elderberry Old grave digger

Enema Not a friend

Erection How the Japanese vote for a new government

Etc Abbreviation used to make people think you know more than you do
Exercise The poor man's plastic surgery

Experience The name we give to our mistakes

Extractor Fan Former aficionado of farm machinery

Eyedropper A clumsy opthalmologist

Fallible Something that is likely to topple over

Father A banker provided by nature

Feasible Able to be charged for

Fibula A small lie

Finish A bit like a Finn

Flabbergasted Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained

Flatulence Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller

Fragrant Sweet smelling tramp

Fundamental Provide financial support to a Scientologist

Gargoyle Extremely thick mouthwash

Gear An alcoholic drink popular with ventriloquists

Genital Non-Jewish person

Geranium Cry of the parachute regiment’s flower arranging display team

Gestate Having recently been fed

Goblet A very small mouth

Go Global To put on a lot of weight

Grammar Difference between knowing your shit and knowing you're shit

Granary Old folks home

Grandparents People who are experts on how to bring up your children

Gripe What Australians make wine from

Hamlet A small pig

Hearsay What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word

Heaven A place full of everything you get sent to Hell for

Hebrew Jewish teabag

Homophobe One who doesn't like The Simpsons

Horoscope Device for spying on your mother-in-law
Horsepower Basic unit of laryngitis

Hospice A centre for the treatment of equine urinary disorders

Humour A funny swelling

Hydrangea Tonto's covert companion

Icon Fruit of a highly symbolic oak tree

Impotent Distinguished, well known

Impregnable A woman whose memories of childbirth are still vivid

Incommodius Unable to get to the toilet on time

Increment The opposite of excrement

Inkling Suspicious feeling you're being ripped off when you buy a printer cartridge

Inkwell An accomplished tattooist

Intense Camping

Intercontinental One who has wet themself all over the world

Jitterbug A nervous insect

Joan of Arc Mother of Noah

Jury Twelve people untrained in law appointed for their legal opinion

Kaleidoscope Traffic camera that only captures accidents

Kamikaze A drink composed of all the available beverages mixed into one

Ketchup To gain distance on someone

Kingdom A contraceptive specially made for royalty

Kleptomaniacs People who help themselves because they can't help themselves

Knickers Kleptomaniacs

Lactose Not having all the individual parts of the foot

Lampoon A device for whaling at night

Lavish A bit like a toilet

Laxity Disinterest in finding a cure for constipation

Liability The ability to lie

Libel Australian price tag

Locomotive A plea of insanity

Lottery A tax on people who are useless at maths

Logarithm To record a piece of music
Lymph To walk with a lisp

Malediction Irresistible compulsion to spend all your time in a shopping arcade

Mandrake A mythical creature, half man half duck

Manometer Device for detecting disguised males in a group of females

Medical staff A doctor's walking cane

Medieval Not completely wicked

Melancholic Depression caused by having large breasts

Miasma The reason I carry my inhaler
Misconception Pregnancy occurring when taking birth control pills

Miser A person who lives in poverty so that they can die rich

Monochrome Boring
Morbid A higher offer

Nanometer Device for counting grannies

Negligent Absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown

Neighbours The strangers who live next door

Nomad Not at all angry

Nomology Scientific study of gnomes

Oasis A card player's cry of delight

Oboe Musical vagrant

Office A place to relax after a strenuous night at home

Onion bhaji French canal boat

Osmosis An early Australian prophet

Ostracised To be inoculated against ostriches
Oyster Person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions

Paradox Two physicians

Penicillin What to give to the man who has everything

Petroleum Garage floor covering

Pets The only members of your family that you actually like

Philistines Hostile group of islands in the Pacific Ocean

Phoney Relating to telephones

Pilates Chinese pirates

Pistachio To draw a moustache on a poster whilst under the influence of drink

Plebiscite Web page for common people

Polygamy The art of parrot folding

Politics Many small blood sucking insects

Poor Too much month at the end of your money

Postoperative Mailman or letter carrier
Professor Opposite of confessor
Prophet What greedy religious organisations desire

Psychologist A man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room

Psychopath Crazy paving

Quadrangle Four people arguing simultaneously

Quartz Drinking vessels that contain two pints

Quince Not quite a coincidence

Ramification A consequence that is forced down your throat

Rapscallion A funky spring onion

Ratchet Rodent droppings

Rectitude The formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you

Recursive Swearing repeatedly

Revolution A turned around decision you made on New Years Day

Roach To live off of friends resources

Romantic An Italian flea

Rudimentary Commentary for a porn movie

Sage A man who knows his onions

School teacher A disillusioned person who used to like children

Secret Something you tell to one person at a time

Seizure The act of capturing a Roman emperor
Semiconductor Part-time bandleader

Shambolic A false testicle
Shin A device for finding furniture in the dark

Show off A child who is more talented than yours

SITCOM Single income, two children, oppressive mortgage

Slut A woman with the morals of a man

Sorcery A bit like a saucer

Splint To run very quickly with a broken leg
Stalemate The leading cause of divorce

Statistics Where the truth lies

Stick A boomerang that doesn't come back

Stucco Hitherto unknown Marx Brother
Synonym A word you use in place of one you can't spell
Syntax A tariff on immorality

Tadpole Slightly Polish

Tapioca A disappointing dance routine
Tattoo Permanent proof of temporary insanity
Testiculate To wave your arms around and talk bollocks

Thesaurus A dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary

Tomorrow Today's greatest labour saving device

Toothache A pain that drives you to extraction

Top bunk Where you should never put a child who is wearing Superman pyjamas

Tourettes Very short coach holidays

Transcendental Above the teeth

Trumpet One who has an extremely large ego

Trigonometry A cowboys method for locating his horse

Unction No effin' use

Unisex Why most students enroll for university education

Undertaker A half-hearted shoplifter

Unseemly Badly finished garments

Urdu Liverpool coiffure

Varicose Nearby, not far away

Velocity A large town where cycling is very popular

Vigilant A very observant sister of one of your parents

Vuja De The feeling that you've never been here before

Wallaby Someone aspiring to be a kangaroo

Walnut Person with an obsession for decorating

Whisky A bit like a whisk

Willy-nilly Impotent

Wisteria Laughing until you wet yourself

Wok What you thwow at a wabbit

Wrench A female spanner

Wright Correctly executed, but ethically wrong

X What hens lay

Xenophobia Fear of Buddhism

Yawn An honest opinion openly expressed

Yeast The smallest amount possible

Yokel The centre of a small egg

Youth Key time of life wasted on the young

Zebra A horse in pyjamas

Zipper What you do with de doodah

Zulu A toilet at an animal park